Christmas Groceries

Danelle wasn't kidding... I should have made two trips for Christmas groceries... But what girls fail to understand... it's exactly these kinds of challenges that get stupid egotistical boys into exactly these kinds of situations... ... ... now I'm sitting in line with my cart piled high above the sides... a European-sized loading area... and an even smaller European-sized bagging area... berated by grumbling little old ladies and eyed by serious looking old man...

... And here I am... stuck between unloading the cart at one end... and bagging the groceries at the other... unload some more... bag some more... all while getting my wallet out... card out... pin code... pray it works... back the receipt... back in the wallet... back in my pocket... back to bagging groceries...

... I'm breaking code right now... I have been... And everyone in line knows I'm breaking code... the lady swiping my items knows, I'm sure... and the guy walking in, with the double take... The manager with his hands at his sides... But this is not a stage and I am not an actor... I will not pander to them...

... And this is the code...

... Next to my American-sized grocery haul... the lady behind me is holding a head of lettuce and three tomatoes... and behind her dude in a red toque is carrying two cartons of milk... behind that is lady in a snowsuit with a small basket... THE CODE is to let them through... Save them time... All is right in the world... Hooray for real gentlemen... ... ... ... But this also my time... and maybe I'm not a real gentleman... because behind him is a couple of eggs and some cheese... and behind that guy is a package of shaved ham... and behind those two... three wine bottles... everyone is just a few items today... lining all the way back to the frozen food aisle... How can I let just one through?... or two?... It's like waving people on during a slow round of golf... I might as well let everyone pass...

... I decide... And in line I play the role very well... look behind... behind again... stretch over to the side and look at the people behind them... show these old ladies with my eyes that 1) I know I should let them pass... but 2) It's just not going to happen... and so with me against the world I took my stand... And arms full of groceries as I leave out the door... victorious...

Es ist so ein schoner tag

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kgsrows8ars

... "Und Ich flieg, flieg, flieg wie ein Flieger, (And I fly like a plane...)

"You like this song?...

"Bin so stark, stark, stark wie ein Tiger (I'm strong like a Tiger)

... They only play these songs in the winter...

Und so groß, groß, groß wie ne Giraffe So hoch oh, oh, oh! (and big as a giraffe, so tall)

... everyone goes out together... it's so cold...

Und Ich spring, spring, spring immer wieder (and I jump all around)

... and you are close together to stay warm...

Und Ich schwimm, schwimm, schwimm zu Dir rüber (I swim over to you)

... everyone is drinking... and singing... and dancing...

Und Ich nimm, nimm, nimm Dich bei der Hand, (I take you by the hand)

... everyone knows these songs...

Weil Ich Dich mag Und Ich sag (because I like you... and I say)

... It might be storming outside... but you drink warm wine...

Heut ist so ein schöner Tag la-la-la-la-la (It is such a beautiful day!)

... you stand on the tables and sing... this is fun...

Heut ist so ein schöner Tag la-la-la-la-la

this is Italy and Germany in the winter... ... ...

Heut ist so ein schöner Tagla-la-la-la-la

you don't have songs like this in America?"

Heut ist so ein schöner Tagla-la-la-la-la"

"No, we take ourselves way too seriously to have this kind of fun."

Selva vs Ortisei vs Bolzano vs the World

In that order...
... About 5 years ago... Selva was the smallest, and their 2nd league... and sometimes they played against Ortisei, which is bigger and played in the first league... who played against Bolzano, bigger still, and always won the first league... who in turn play in the continental cup every year against the rest of Europe...
... There is little love between these towns... and if the smaller team ever beats the bigger team the town parties for a week... and in return... the bigger team just loves lording over the smaller team...
... Bolzano loves to call the farm kids rednecks... those farmers... Ortisei loves to say that Selva is 20 years behind... don't understand what I'm saying?... You will in 20 years... It's not life or death but bad blood runs deep in this area...
... And because the new hockey rink is in Selva the people from Ortisei won't go to the games because the old rivalry still sits bad with them... "I don't want to go all the way up there... I don't want to give them my money"...

A 900% Markup

Little known fact about Italian cafes... they charge you more if you sit down than if you stand at the counter... It's a charge for atmosphere... They also charge for water and soda refills... And sometimes charge for ketchup... What I did not know about the piano player playing the Beetlejuice song is that she represented atmosphere times about a thousand... percent... because we opened our menus to find espressos were 9 euros... Small little coffees in small little cups no bigger than a pinkie finger... Add a little bit of foam for a Cappacinos and it's 11 euros... And don't get me started on 21 euros cocktails...
... "I'm not paying more for this coffee than I did for these gloves"...
... "Well I'm not paying more for this coffee than I did for these pants"... (one-upper)
... But with a maitre d' and a waiter giving death stares and blocking the only remaining exit... and because we had just used the facilities... we would most likely be stuck paying for something... Cheapest thing being an 8 euro hotdog... After a quick huddle we decided to just stand up and go to the bar... All in a line... strength in numbers... Big guys first... And it's almost like the Maitre D' knew what was going on because we gave him a little nod at the menus... and he gave us a little knowing nod back... and then we were at the counter...
... "One Euro"... at the counter... the same exact espresso seconds before we almost bought... because some of us were too embarrassed to stand up...

You Put WHAT... WHERE?

Waiting for our food... As I'm picking at what I hope is a relatively edible piece of bread... a guy... I kid you not... takes a piece of bread... a knife... ketchup packets... begins to spread ketchup all over the piece of bread... and it's just bread... nothing else... and that's gross enough... BUT THEN... beyond comprehension... and in all ways inconceivable... mayonnaise... mayonnaise... on top of the ketchup... ... ...
... and eats it...

Nightmare

And from the shadows walks 2 devils... horns almost scraping the ceiling... black shaggy fur... sharp claws... ... ... stop... silence... sit... wait... stare... everyone down... they all looked away... they smiled... said we played a good game... then left... everyone started to breath again... I guess some childhood fears never leave...


... But I kid you not... they were surprisingly scary... scary enough that... even though I'm out of food right now... I'm will not go shopping because they have free reign after dark... anything goes...


"Back when my brother was young... he tells me... if you saw them you had to run... fast... They have these wooden sticks... if they catch you out after dark they hit you with them... Right there... in the back of the leg... and it really stings... ... and if you give them trouble... the black mask they wear is ink, charcoal, and soot... they take their finger and rub it on your face... and it is really hard to wash off... or they rub it on your clothes... and it completely ruins them... and they're scary... look at them...
... I don't know why...
... It's tradition... it's our culture... once a year..."


"In Thailand there was these 3 kids sitting on a wall... about this high... 1 meter 70 maybe... and the one kid dropped something off the wall... he called over to me... asked me to pick it up... and so when I leaned over and I was like this... they dumped 2 buckets of water all over me... That is how they celebrate New Years in Thailand... by dumping water on other people... I never knew... and this is what they do here..."


"But here... it's St Nicklaus day... he is like Santa Claus but he has a pope hat and a pope cane... and he walks around with an angel and a devil and asks the kids if they've been good... he usually gives them some small present... something for them to eat... and the devil takes the bad kids away...
... That is the morning...
... Then it's only the devils in the afternoon... huge heads... giant black horns... black face... shaggy monster getup... (like the guys from 'Where the Wild Things Are')... they have bells on them so you can hear them coming... and... as I said... you hear bells... you run... because all afternoon they chase you... they go door to door sometimes looking for kids warning them to be good... ... ... or else... kids cringing behind their parents... this is the stuff of nightmares... but right in front of your face..."

"It's really good for the kids... the rest of the year if they act up... we tell them... you be good or we send you to the devil... and then no problem..."

Were They Really This Bad?

I'm watching a graduation teenie bopper high school movie... and I have to wonder... ... ... were they?... was I?... Did I?...
... And I think no...
... Definitely no...
... In all ways no...
... Affirmative on the No... because... At least... at the very least... old teenie-bopper movies stole scripts from writers like Shakespeare and Austen before they proceeded to butcher the crap out of them into 1 hour 20 minute coming of age fwopsticks...
... The new ones are a whole different sort... they have no precedent... they don't borrow genius... they blank slate... begin at zero... and then butcher...
... And it's a problem... when I don't expect much... and they still can't deliver... and for sure... Don't get me wrong... I expect a bad movie... And put up with bad movie... for nostalgia... for luls... for that inevitable moment when he becomes a man... does some amazing thing... gets the girl... I put up with teenage angst... romanticism... and some hacked together plot... because I really was there at some point in my life... I really did think she would walk by me at some pivitol moment in both our lives... I really did play that script over and over in my head... not until later did I realize you had to be dancing for fate to actually work... it's strange the universe...
...but this unimaginably worse... inconceivably awful... waste of my time cancels all hope for humanity... because annual hackjob movies... these half-hearted portrayals of awkward... these watered-down story lines of embarrassing... If they can't deliver on a time-honored tradition... like the amatuer blockbuster horror film... the Cubs losing in the playoffs... mandarin oranges... Mcdonald's Monopoly... then what hope do we have for out future generations?...