If Only

Life is a long... gradual... process... and in it you can safely assume your answer to "what's new in your life" will gravitate along the lines of "nothing much" almost every time...

... maybe in five years... or ten years from now... from that boring mountaintop... The struggle towards some sort of goal you have stuck in your head in this longterm perspective... will create some sort of real change...

... But in the immediate sharpness of everyday... at ground level... life throws you around like a rag doll... It's a shoulda coulda woulda world in this narrow perspective... It's a one second too slow or too fast... a one conversation went well, went bad... a one deal went through, one busted... a win... a loss... It's life on the edge of a knife.

... And maybe that's the reason why society has come to idoalize sports... one shot... one chance... on a time clock... last possession... decides so much... and means so much... and it rings true... these swings of fortune... the recklessness of it all... it works... it speaks to us...

... One face-off... lost... one shot... miss-fired... one save... bouncing puck... one player... not picked up... one goal... ... ... and all your left with is... if only...

... And maybe that's why people try to limit the ability of chance to screw things up... of getting burned... and so rules... added onto rules... added onto instant replay and doubling the amount of refs... to put the game into a safe little box... and try to control that fiery demon of chance... just look at the largess in society... rules... piled on rules... piled on rules... piled on security cameras and doubling our world police... because chance is an impossible creature to kill it seems... and not too easy t contain...

... And if you really can't survive with this creature chance... not even a little bit... and the fear of the unknown is just too much... well then you can always try online chess and turn the chat off...

Sudden Death

I thought I missed...

I really thought I'd missed... in my mind... I saw... I'd skate back past their bench... onto our bench... eyes down... a few pats on the back and good try... but that sense of loss... and have nothing to do but sit and watch other players decide the rest of our season... I saw all of it in that second... or better... I felt it...

And the rest of our bench thought I missed...

Because the goalie read my shot... he was there... I only had one shot... one legit one anyway... the only shot that I really knew well enough to pull out in a sudden death shootout... come through the left hash marks... fake shot... a foot to the right... five-hole... Frolov's specialty... who got it from Teemu... who got it from Mario...

But the goalie was there... paddle down... I didn't see a hole... I had to try... but he was there... and when I heard the puck hit his stick... ... ... I thought... it's over... ... ... and yet I still hoped... and I didn't see the puck... and looking... looking... and... I'll never forget that sight.. seeing the puck trickle past the goal line...

I think I might have been at the blueline before I even raised my hands to celebrate... something the rest of my team still won't forgive... but I just didn't believe that I scored...

... so many reasons why I couldn't believe...

Game 5 of a best of 5... down 4-2 going into the third and looking into everyone's eyes we thought it was over... never stopped trying... but chances were it was over... and 4-3 on a power play... and 4-4 on a fluke... and we came back to tie... killed off a 5 on 3 in the last 10 minutes (with the same 3 guys on the ice the whole 2 minutes) and a 5 on 4 in the last 3 minutes... I never left the ice for the last 5 minutes of the game... we were down to 3 D... and one of our D played the last 7 minutes... that's why we called a timeout with a faceoff in the neutral zone in the last 2 minutes... just to rest...

... and then 5 minutes of 4 on 4 overtime...

... and then shootout... 5 shooters... I was 4th... tied 1-1... and I hit the post... I thought I'd be smart and do the move the only right shot from the other team did against our goalie... I figured he used it because he knew it worked on his goalie... and it did work... and with the whole net to shoot at I hit the post... but Schnitz answered back with a save... then save... and save...

... Sudden death...

... Pick any shooter... the other team goes first... all 4 imports huddled around our coach and no one wanted to go... 'No, not me'... 'Don't pick me'... 'No way'.... 'I'm not feeling it'... and I promise you I didn't want to go... but our coach looked me in the eyes and said 'I know you have this'... and I went...

... And our goalie made the save... and out of the box... 'Bernie you can win it all here with one shot'... ('thanks guys')

... ... ...

... I wish I could tell you it was an amazing celebration... but it wasn't... it was gloves and helmet and stick in every direction... and jumping... screaming... guys jumping over the boards... and falling over the boards...

And a whole night in our hockey track suits singing German victory songs... and me on the mic... on a table... singing Fliegerland for the bar...

It's the crazy thing about sports... the finest line between the highest highs and the lowest lows...