... so don't invite it into your house and on to your tablecloth full of napkins and what nots...
... I learned this lesson graduating from grade 8.. when, after one too many punch drinks, we played the game 'how close can you drag our napkin over the candle without it getting burned'... until... surprise... fire!?... whoa!?... on!!... fire!?!... 'YES, what did YOU expect?!'... ... ... panic... drop it on the table... (table lights on fire)... everyone panic... and like a bunch of lame ducks we all stare at each other doing nothing... (fire grows)... stare... (plastic cups are melting... stare... and finally my buddies Dad rushes over with a pitcher of water and doused the table to put it out... ... .... phew!... haha... pretend not to be embarrassed... hahe?... but, ha, my buddy got in trouble because... always the class clown... everything just assumed it was his fault... hehehe...
... but there is a free lesson in here... it's what I tell everyone when asked what good is a Hist and Lit degree... that... those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it... sounds smart, doesn't it...
... and fast forward to yesterday... add.. a whole bunch more punch... keep.. candles on table along with napkins of the paper variety... also keep.. stupid unsafe (not me) fire person... and voila... debacle... panic... blank stare... 'whoah!'... throw napkin on table... 'blow on it' (fire blazes to 2 feet)... extreme panic... 'Wha!'... blank stares... 'quick, throw it out the window!'... fire moves to table cloth... more blank stares... 'Use the wine!... NO, not the wine!'... 'put a plate on it!'... 'suffocate it'... and finally from the other room a saviour... jug of water in hand... and it's over.... breathe.... breathe.... breathe.... now laugh... .. ... HARD... ... ...roll on the floor... keep laughing... ROFL if you will...
... Now everyone talk at once...
... 'you should have used the wine'...
... 'I didn't want you guys to use the wine because it is too good to waste!... better the house than the wine I say'...
... 'Who said throw it out the window!? Look down there... If you had thrown it out the window that bush would have probably gone up in flames!'...
... 'I can't believe you blew on the fire... what were you thinking!'...
... 'he wasn't... don't you know that by now'...
... 'Wouldn't the wine have been fuel for the fire and made it worse?'...
... 'no, not enough alcohol percentage I don't think, you need like 70% or something'...
... 'well... sambuca has 40 and that lights on fire... but pouring it on would have suffocated it anyways I think'...
... But it all got settle eventually... and we ate the rest of the meal with the bread roll basket covering up the burnt part of the table cloth...
... Fire was not the end of the mishaps however... Mid-way through the meal we had our first glass of wine get knocked over... no worries... it only happened two more times... dessert saw the coat rack get run over... dessert also saw the first ever refusal of apple pie when served as a dessert... After dinner had a guy put his head in front of the dart board and joke at Danelle to throw a dart... Danelle didn't think he was joking... and suddenly a dart stuck right beside to his neck... 'Hoah!... what if that hit you in the eye!'... 'Ya! what if that hit me in the eye!'... '(Danelle) THAT was a chance I was willing to take'...
... The walk home was even a disaster as an errant foot met with black ice and ended up with the side of his head on a garbage can and his jeans all soaked in a puddle... 'Just get me home please?'...
... ok buddy...
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Secret Santa
Santa really wouldn't have gotten that far as a hockey player... Because hockey player gifts are not like Santa gifts... and even a stocking full of coal leaves a lot to be desired by a hockey player...
... hockey player gifts are mean... and cruel... and hurtful... and ... ... ... funny... ? ... hockey player gifts pick apart any and every small difference or odd unusualness about a person and... ummm... tear it to absolute shreds... they're intended to cross the line so far that it eraces the line altogether by the end... nothing... and I mean nothing... is off-limits ... and the only reason I can think about, besides the lullz, is to see if the other guy is strong... if, based on his reaction to a present, you know if you can count on him to stand his ground and take it everywhere else... a test to see if in the heat of a game you know he's not going to fold under the pressure...
... maybe...
... I don't know... or maybe it's a tough love thing meant to tell the person all the things about him he should really think about changing... asap... like yesterday... and doing it in an incredibly public place, because the pain of squirming in front of a crowd really makes it sink in... and for everyone else... in some sort of evolutionary time lapse back to our days as vultures or something... it's fun...
... Or maybe it's just about getting a person what they need... instead of what they want... if... for say... what they needed was a muzzle because they talked to much... or gum because their breath smells like... or a pinochio nose to offset their inordinately large real nose... or diapers if they're a goalie that's afraid of the puck... or an Obama t-shirt if they're a Bush fan... or a crash test dummy outfit for a guy that totalled his car and left it in 2 separate pieces...
... you know... the kind of stuff Santa would give if he wasn't such a wuss...
Also... I've decided that, when I have the time, I'm going to put a link on to some other person's blog that I randomly like. I found this one to from clicking 'next blog' (or 'blog succesivo') again and again until I saw something I liked. Today the blog has 2 great posts that, judging by the rest of their English, were copy and pasted from somewhere else... but... one is on China forcing dissidents into mental institutions (where they lose all rights)... and one is Obama's winners speech on election night... pretty cool...
http://kaka19870430.blogspot.com/
... hockey player gifts are mean... and cruel... and hurtful... and ... ... ... funny... ? ... hockey player gifts pick apart any and every small difference or odd unusualness about a person and... ummm... tear it to absolute shreds... they're intended to cross the line so far that it eraces the line altogether by the end... nothing... and I mean nothing... is off-limits ... and the only reason I can think about, besides the lullz, is to see if the other guy is strong... if, based on his reaction to a present, you know if you can count on him to stand his ground and take it everywhere else... a test to see if in the heat of a game you know he's not going to fold under the pressure...
... maybe...
... I don't know... or maybe it's a tough love thing meant to tell the person all the things about him he should really think about changing... asap... like yesterday... and doing it in an incredibly public place, because the pain of squirming in front of a crowd really makes it sink in... and for everyone else... in some sort of evolutionary time lapse back to our days as vultures or something... it's fun...
... Or maybe it's just about getting a person what they need... instead of what they want... if... for say... what they needed was a muzzle because they talked to much... or gum because their breath smells like... or a pinochio nose to offset their inordinately large real nose... or diapers if they're a goalie that's afraid of the puck... or an Obama t-shirt if they're a Bush fan... or a crash test dummy outfit for a guy that totalled his car and left it in 2 separate pieces...
... you know... the kind of stuff Santa would give if he wasn't such a wuss...
Also... I've decided that, when I have the time, I'm going to put a link on to some other person's blog that I randomly like. I found this one to from clicking 'next blog' (or 'blog succesivo') again and again until I saw something I liked. Today the blog has 2 great posts that, judging by the rest of their English, were copy and pasted from somewhere else... but... one is on China forcing dissidents into mental institutions (where they lose all rights)... and one is Obama's winners speech on election night... pretty cool...
http://kaka19870430.blogspot.com/
Friday, December 19, 2008
That world will always be cruel - is reality...
... That world is out to get you - is an illusion...
... The whole first half of this year I would have wondered if this was even true... Because it just seemed like any break that could happen against us just consistently happened... against us... right at the most important time... right when the game would be decided... in that instant... the planets all aligned... the clock struck 12... just in time to give the other team an off-the skate, off-the-helmet goal for the win...
... But lately things have swung around and given us a couple breaks... a couple fluke bank-shot goals... a puck bouncing the right way... a really bad ref but this time in our favor... and we finally win those games we used to lose 4-3 in overtime...
... Case in point Yesterday... where we had our backup goalie in... and saying nothing about him... the result was that we won 6-3 against the best team in our league...
... I'm not sure what this means, but I do know that since I have him as my Secret Santa tonight I might have to change my gift... right now it's a roll of duct tape... to tie him up to the net (like in Mighty Ducks 1) so he stops being afraid of the puck... But with the stores all closed on Sunday... I'd say I'm screwed...
... The whole first half of this year I would have wondered if this was even true... Because it just seemed like any break that could happen against us just consistently happened... against us... right at the most important time... right when the game would be decided... in that instant... the planets all aligned... the clock struck 12... just in time to give the other team an off-the skate, off-the-helmet goal for the win...
... But lately things have swung around and given us a couple breaks... a couple fluke bank-shot goals... a puck bouncing the right way... a really bad ref but this time in our favor... and we finally win those games we used to lose 4-3 in overtime...
... Case in point Yesterday... where we had our backup goalie in... and saying nothing about him... the result was that we won 6-3 against the best team in our league...
... I'm not sure what this means, but I do know that since I have him as my Secret Santa tonight I might have to change my gift... right now it's a roll of duct tape... to tie him up to the net (like in Mighty Ducks 1) so he stops being afraid of the puck... But with the stores all closed on Sunday... I'd say I'm screwed...
Your Foot is a Long Way From Your Heart...
Yesterday was a great game for a lot of reasons... and ended up with us winning 7-0 to get our goalie his first shutout of the year... the problem about last game was in the second period where I blocked a shot from the point... no big deal... it didn't hurt and I skated the rest of the game without the least bit of difficulty...
... So what's the problem?...
... Well... I'm glad you asked...
... you see...
... when you're playing your foot has the pressure of the skate to keep it from swelling... but once you take your skate off the pressure is gone and so many bad things can happen... Pain being the biggest of these bad things...
... and in the shower I started feeling it a little bit... and walking out I felt it a little more... and in the car it was throbbing just a bit...
... and then I did the worst thing I could have done for a bruise... and that's have a glass of beer with some guys on the team before we went home... And it was like a switch got flipped... and 20 minutes later the small pain in my foot... became a big big problem to walk on... I honestly couldn't walk to the counter to pay for the drink... I couldn't put any weight on my foot at all...
... and so in the midst of people making fun of me one of the guys realizes this and piggy backs me all the way to our car... stopping a few times on account of my weight and his shape... this all combined to one of my worst sleeps all year... and nights of all year...
... So lesson learned... blocking pucks is bad news...
... So what's the problem?...
... Well... I'm glad you asked...
... you see...
... when you're playing your foot has the pressure of the skate to keep it from swelling... but once you take your skate off the pressure is gone and so many bad things can happen... Pain being the biggest of these bad things...
... and in the shower I started feeling it a little bit... and walking out I felt it a little more... and in the car it was throbbing just a bit...
... and then I did the worst thing I could have done for a bruise... and that's have a glass of beer with some guys on the team before we went home... And it was like a switch got flipped... and 20 minutes later the small pain in my foot... became a big big problem to walk on... I honestly couldn't walk to the counter to pay for the drink... I couldn't put any weight on my foot at all...
... and so in the midst of people making fun of me one of the guys realizes this and piggy backs me all the way to our car... stopping a few times on account of my weight and his shape... this all combined to one of my worst sleeps all year... and nights of all year...
... So lesson learned... blocking pucks is bad news...
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Let it Snow...
The weather report for Italy the past week showed a big circle of low pressure hovering over the whole country... and it wasn't moving... just staring... sitting there... awkwardly... chatting... lingering... and raining on things... like the last couple at a dinner party.. .. even after you go get your watch out of the bedroom (that you never actually wear but that you bought because you thought it would make you look sophisticated) and put it on.. just so right after you can glance at it in hopes that they see it and register the universal (non-rude, yet completely obvious) form of saying sorry, but please, if you can, get the heck outta dodge... and thankyou for the bottle of wine... It's never actually happened to me but it has happened on enough sitcoms that I've watched to make me think that this is actually quite common...
... But ya... what a low pressure system... So much of a low pressure system that it's rained days on end in Italy... So much of a low pressure system that the Tiber is a couple of inches from flooding... So much of a low pressure system that higher elevations saw 70 mms of snowfall in a night... and counting... So much of a low pressure system that it cancelled all hockey games for the league last Thursday...
... because the only thing connecting these northern towns are high passes... passes that are 180 degree turns up and down the side of a mountain... that are way too slippery for our bus (sans chains on the tires)... and that are way too narrow for bus to pass bus on opposite sides... same thing goes for bus passing snowplow...
...
... and so Tuesday with the passes open again we travelled to make up the game... and we saw snow piled as high as our bus on each side of the road... roads still chalked in ice... and a bus slipping and swerving all the way up and down... ... ... It was surreal... in a very... crazy... scary... cool if we were on a GT and not on a bus... kinda way...
... We got to the rink over an hour later than we should have... nervous... tired... dazed... and with 28 minutes to get ready before warmups... Our best hope was that Alleghe would take us for granted... on account of us getting to the rink so late... and thus would come out... well... different in a much worse way than they actually came out...
... And I can honestly say that this was the first game this year our goalie won for us... sorta... as in he won a period for us... and then we woke up and started playing hockey... And after blowing 2, 2 goal leads we cemented it in the third on another first... a fluke goal... for a 5-3 win...
... Thankfully, on the way home, we took the extremely long, yet safe, way around the mountains on the highway...
... But ya... what a low pressure system... So much of a low pressure system that it's rained days on end in Italy... So much of a low pressure system that the Tiber is a couple of inches from flooding... So much of a low pressure system that higher elevations saw 70 mms of snowfall in a night... and counting... So much of a low pressure system that it cancelled all hockey games for the league last Thursday...
... because the only thing connecting these northern towns are high passes... passes that are 180 degree turns up and down the side of a mountain... that are way too slippery for our bus (sans chains on the tires)... and that are way too narrow for bus to pass bus on opposite sides... same thing goes for bus passing snowplow...
...
... and so Tuesday with the passes open again we travelled to make up the game... and we saw snow piled as high as our bus on each side of the road... roads still chalked in ice... and a bus slipping and swerving all the way up and down... ... ... It was surreal... in a very... crazy... scary... cool if we were on a GT and not on a bus... kinda way...
... We got to the rink over an hour later than we should have... nervous... tired... dazed... and with 28 minutes to get ready before warmups... Our best hope was that Alleghe would take us for granted... on account of us getting to the rink so late... and thus would come out... well... different in a much worse way than they actually came out...
... And I can honestly say that this was the first game this year our goalie won for us... sorta... as in he won a period for us... and then we woke up and started playing hockey... And after blowing 2, 2 goal leads we cemented it in the third on another first... a fluke goal... for a 5-3 win...
... Thankfully, on the way home, we took the extremely long, yet safe, way around the mountains on the highway...
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Medium.... Rare?
We lost our game 3-1 on Saturday in a show of futility against a team that actually plays as a team... Simple... Direct... They scored on a 5 on 3... a 5 on 4... and a turnover... and I scored and didn't get credit for the goal... ugh!... refs!?... I hate'm...
.... What keeps me up at night though is that... you see... I watch NHL highlights... and 9 of 10 goals are simple, point shot, screen, rebound... goal... and we don't do that... we try the pretty... the slot shot one-timer... the end to end rush... the cross-crease pass... and it hasn't paid off yet... but I can still be positive because I see it... so close... happening...
... Today I tried an Italian Steak House... and here's a tip about Italian Steak Houses... Whatever you order... medium... for example... will come a level and a half more rare than the American version... So... today... for example... medium... meant extra, extra rare... and is still sitting in my stomache 4 hours later...
.... What keeps me up at night though is that... you see... I watch NHL highlights... and 9 of 10 goals are simple, point shot, screen, rebound... goal... and we don't do that... we try the pretty... the slot shot one-timer... the end to end rush... the cross-crease pass... and it hasn't paid off yet... but I can still be positive because I see it... so close... happening...
... Today I tried an Italian Steak House... and here's a tip about Italian Steak Houses... Whatever you order... medium... for example... will come a level and a half more rare than the American version... So... today... for example... medium... meant extra, extra rare... and is still sitting in my stomache 4 hours later...
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Of Course... I'm in a Hurry...
... that's the best time to try to parallel park and block traffic... and miss... ... ... twice...
... It's not like I'm characteristically late for things... At least... I don't live my life racing with the clock... I try to be early for things... because early is relaxing... early is great... early does so many good things for you... there's no better feeling than relaxing earliness... and early keeps you far far away from the 'if you're not 10 minutes early, you're late' logic of coaches and the necessary bag skate aftermath to hammer it in your head...
... But really, there is no worse feeling being late... it's a nightmare I sometimes get... and a nightmare that sometimes happens... because life happens... the power goes out... you didn't check the schedule... you turn off the alarm clock and lay back down because you'll for sure get up in five minutes anyways... just a little bit more... zzzZZZZ...
... And then... phone call... pick up... jump up... rush... food... frantic... clothes... shoes... jacket... stairs... ... ... snow on the car... ... ... brush it off... (forgot your gloves)... (freeze)... warm up the car... scrape off the frost... get in... care door is frozen... it won't close... slam harder... nope... threaten it... haha... works... what th-!?... frost on the inside?!?... can't be... scrape... scrape... scrape... frost going everywhere... back out... into an unplowed foot of snowfall... stuck... push... rock the car... somehow at the very top of the rocking jump in fast, push clutch, put in first, push gas, gun it... and freedom... downhill... watch out for ice... watch it... sliding... sliding... car... car... car... okay stopped... must go slow... real slow... are you really turning left with this line of traffic... right now!?... another phone call... don't answer... it's a trap... coach probably listening... turn... turn... turn... roundabout... turn... light... go... STOP!... snowplow... snowplow... horn... MOVE!... no?... okay... my bad... park... run... right past the GM... STOP!... I have to sign this?... ok... there too!... ok... late?... me?... naw!... coach is at the door waiting... nope... no... ... ... no... no excuse (never have an excuse, that's a trap too)... and walk in...
... out of the frying pan into the fryer...
... Cause... when early... sipping coffee... stretching... dressing... there's no better feeling than knowing about and eventually seeing someone that is late... it's the vulture in us all... the big phew, it's not me! feeling... the uh oh what's coach gonna say?... and the figuring out of the chirp to use when they do eventually walk in...
... And it's him coming in... head down... darting eyes... guilty face... getting laundry... getting dressed... that just begs for such a chirp to be used...
... 'Sleep at night Bernie'...
... It's not like I'm characteristically late for things... At least... I don't live my life racing with the clock... I try to be early for things... because early is relaxing... early is great... early does so many good things for you... there's no better feeling than relaxing earliness... and early keeps you far far away from the 'if you're not 10 minutes early, you're late' logic of coaches and the necessary bag skate aftermath to hammer it in your head...
... But really, there is no worse feeling being late... it's a nightmare I sometimes get... and a nightmare that sometimes happens... because life happens... the power goes out... you didn't check the schedule... you turn off the alarm clock and lay back down because you'll for sure get up in five minutes anyways... just a little bit more... zzzZZZZ...
... And then... phone call... pick up... jump up... rush... food... frantic... clothes... shoes... jacket... stairs... ... ... snow on the car... ... ... brush it off... (forgot your gloves)... (freeze)... warm up the car... scrape off the frost... get in... care door is frozen... it won't close... slam harder... nope... threaten it... haha... works... what th-!?... frost on the inside?!?... can't be... scrape... scrape... scrape... frost going everywhere... back out... into an unplowed foot of snowfall... stuck... push... rock the car... somehow at the very top of the rocking jump in fast, push clutch, put in first, push gas, gun it... and freedom... downhill... watch out for ice... watch it... sliding... sliding... car... car... car... okay stopped... must go slow... real slow... are you really turning left with this line of traffic... right now!?... another phone call... don't answer... it's a trap... coach probably listening... turn... turn... turn... roundabout... turn... light... go... STOP!... snowplow... snowplow... horn... MOVE!... no?... okay... my bad... park... run... right past the GM... STOP!... I have to sign this?... ok... there too!... ok... late?... me?... naw!... coach is at the door waiting... nope... no... ... ... no... no excuse (never have an excuse, that's a trap too)... and walk in...
... out of the frying pan into the fryer...
... Cause... when early... sipping coffee... stretching... dressing... there's no better feeling than knowing about and eventually seeing someone that is late... it's the vulture in us all... the big phew, it's not me! feeling... the uh oh what's coach gonna say?... and the figuring out of the chirp to use when they do eventually walk in...
... And it's him coming in... head down... darting eyes... guilty face... getting laundry... getting dressed... that just begs for such a chirp to be used...
... 'Sleep at night Bernie'...
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