I Must Be German

... because in German...
... The two things I have the most trouble pronouncing... WH- and TH- ... don't even exist...
... The, This, That, There... are Die, Dis, Dat, Dort...
... What, Where, When, White... are Was, Wo, Wen, Weisse with the W- pronounced as a V-... so Vas, Vo, Ven, Veiss...
... And to think all the awkwardness of grade 11 english wouldn't have had to happen at all if only... (deep breath)... the breakaway German tribe that mixed with however many different cultures and languages they conquered and traded with whose eventual end product was modern English... had fought against Wh- and Th-... and just stayed strong on the V- and the D-...
... Like... they didn't have to keep everything about their culture in the eventual creation of English and Western Culture... Let's talk about possible trade-offs here for a second... maybe they could have given a little bit on style... like not having to always rock the overall shorts collared shirt hankerchief getup... or they could have let up on the Weiner schnitzel, dark beer combination for every meal including breakfast... you know... and incorporate the Italian tradition of a 3 hour siesta for lunch... Maybe put a speed limit on a road every once in a while... make a car that's bigger than a television set...
... but the V-... and the D-... this is where the real cultural battle should have been fought... and it's a shame...
... But the good news is that the battle isn't over... yet... there is still have one more chance... according to incredibly scary conspiracy theory movie I just watched in my bored spare time... to fight for V- and D-...
... Just after technology really makes the world flat and a great world-wide depression slash war on terror destroys the middle class and brings most every corporation and most all of the power into the hands of very few...
... and Just before the time of a one-world government when our rights are taken away and we're all microchipped and controlled (and have our chips turned off so we can't buy or sell if we try to resist)...
... Right in between... that little window of opportunity... just as the whole world starts trading freedom for security... because of some unknown threat that we don't know or understand but the news stations tell us is real and very scary...
... Right at the time when cultures and languages are fusing back together again... Right when the media is figuring out which language they will use in their efforts to streamline and control public perception... Right when fear of terror and wonder of entertainment makes the whole world spectators... when people are more concerned with videotaping a protest than taking part in it... Right then... when we still haven't caught Osama Bin Laden junior junior AND when the New York Yankees are playing the Tokyo Trappers in the World World Series...
... Right then...
... if you can pull yourself away from whatever virtual device takes you that much further out of reality... and if you can work up the courage to leave your cozy little fenced in bubble... Go talk to Ted Turner Junior Junior... Let him know what's up... Push for... no... DEMAND the V- and D- to be brought back into the Universal language... because of easiness... Do it for the future... for the sake of future people like me...
... It very well might earn you 5 years of glorious conversation unsullied by the stutter...